First of all, I think we can all recognize the wheezy fuuuck you of a breast pump’s suck.
Listen: fuuuck you. fuuuck you. fuuuck you.
It is the denigrating soundtrack of a breast pumping session. You, sitting at its mercy. It, just taking and taking.
But that's not all your pump is saying to you. Here are 11 other things your breast pump is whispering to you in those lonely sessions:
1. Did you have other things to do? Too bad.
2. I’ve come to suck your breasts and your soul.
3. Nice bra. You let your partner see you in that thing?
4. You're going to have to sterilize me later. Have fun with the boiling water, sucker.
5. Oh, you have a flight? Ha. Ha. Good luck with that TSA shit.
6. So, you know those teeny-tiny pieces of seemingly inconsequential rubber that you use to block one side if you’re only pumping one breast? Sorry, lost it! Good fuckin’ luck.
7. C’mon, take me to the office. I promise I’ll be inconspicuous. As inconspicuous as a table saw at a bris. Whir. Whir. Whir. Sorry Jake from HR, can’t hear ya. Can you speak up?
8. Look at me, all chic in black... No one will even know that I’m not just another Kate Spade purse.
9. Aw, did you forget your breast shields today? Hopefully 5 o’clock comes soon!
10. Oops. I see you tried to move yourself more than a foot from the wall outlet. Sorry! Become one with the wall, put your face on it. Doesn’t that feel good, all cool and calm? Not too close! When you’re wearing me you have to keep a radius of at least two feet between you and everything else.
11. Wait, why are you turning me up? Was I too slow? Not working fast enough for you, Miss Quickety-Quick? Like you have things to do. You and I both know that’s ridiculous. You have a four-month-old.