2015 Vernacular That Needs To Go. Now. 



Can we talk about overused vernacular? Yes. Good. Stop doing it. Thanks.

All the feels
If you take this out of context (and it’s never really in context), it sounds vaguely pornographic. No, not vaguely. It does sound pornographic. So a kitty and bunny befriending each other should not evoke “all the feels.” Otherwise please step away. Slowly...slowly...now go. 

Just say “very.” I think this is probably similar to the 1980s “pretty.” I.e: "I’m pretty excited about the party tonight. I’m pretty happy about it." You sound super-stupid when you say this. And I know you’re not. And honestly, I’m pretty sure Superman would not be down with this bastardization of his name and belittling of his power.

This is a grammatical symbol and not meant to be said out loud — unless you are Jason from Halloween, and he doesn’t even talk. Same with hashtag. I’m looking at you, millennials. Actually, I’m not, because you didn’t show up to work today.

Lol, smh, imho, ICYMI
LOL is so very 2002 and please, I don’t even know what the others mean — I’ve had to look them up, multiple times. We don’t need any more acronyms in our lives, imho. See that there? I didn’t say “We don’t need any more acronyms in our lives, in my humble opinion.” I said “We don’t need any more acronyms in our lives, I’m ho.” And I’m not.

You probably use it incorrectly. You literally always use it incorrectly.

Said no one ever
Except for you. Right now. You’re saying it.

This what? Usually used with no explanation. I’ve been guilty of this one. Presumably because nothing else needs to be said.

This is a bastardization of “totes,” I suspect. Because "obviously" and "totally" are too lengthy to spit out or to fit on a tweet. Cher Horowitz would love this shit. Clueless was way ahead of its time.

Are these, like, balls of super-powered yarn? Cake balls? Cheese balls? I’m envisioning those huge tubs of Planters cheesy balls that I loved in the '90s. If the latter, I’m in. Those were amazeballs. All the amaze rolled up into a teeny-tiny radioactively orange ball of perfection. If those aren’t the balls you’re talking about, please stop.

What you’d get if a list and an icicle have a baby. A very cold list. 

The struggle is real
Real life is not a meme. What struggle? The struggle over French toast or eggs benedict? Sweet or savory? Oh, the struggle is real? Are your insides just twisting and turning in trying to decide what to eat from the brunch menu? Um, sure. 

Meanwhile, on those brunch menus everywhere... 

Sammie and Benny (see above about struggles)

You can say sandwich. It’s the same amount of syllables. I believe it was the culinary sprite Rachel Ray that started this fad. That should be reason enough to stop. Also, Benny. It was cute at that one local brunchy place with the gingham tablecloths, but now, too much.

Because ______
I.e: Because rainbows. Or because pie. Or because coffee. Would it kill you to say “because of coffee?” That tremendous caffeinated gift to mankind deserves better.

So please, can we move on to better speech patterns? Because ohmygod. I know, I know. The struggle is real. We get these sayings ingrained in the way we talk and then all of a sudden we sound like uneducated morons, and I know many of you aren’t. Some of you are, sure...obvs. But I have faith in you. You’re amazeballs. 

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