Photo Credit: Wikipedia Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Season 6
Isn’t it obvious that these people have terrible lives?
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is my guilty pleasure, although I don’t feel guilty at all about watching it.
So I guess it’s just my pleasure. In fact, sometimes I watch it on my laptop while I’m doing yoga at home — deep-breathing and the pursuit of inner peace punctuated by screaming cat fights about misunderstandings over brunch.
I love the show, but I don’t really understand when people talk about the Housewives’ lifestyle as being “aspirational.” Isn’t it obvious that these people have terrible lives? I mean, yeah, they’ve got beautiful homes and great clothes, but their day-to-day existence looks nothing but miserable to me.
Still, I guess some people aspire to live that Real Housewife Life. If you’re one of them, here are a few simple ways to ruin your life JUST like a rich lady from Beverly Hills:
1. Only eat salad and grilled chicken.
Salad and grilled chicken, as a general rule, don’t ruin lives. Salad and grilled chicken are great... sometimes.
Unless you’re going to amazing restaurants all the time and ordering nothing but salad and grilled chicken — then salad is definitely ruining your life.
Think of all the delicious, creative culinary delicacies you’re not trying! Think of all the decadent desserts of which you’re depriving yourself! Think of BREAD.
2. If you have a problem with someone, talk about it with everyone except that person.
This technique is a hallmark of the Real Housewife Lifestyle, because it creates maximum drama and minimum potential for actually solving any problems.
It just spreads the misunderstandings around instead of clearing anything up, getting more people involved in what should have been a 2-person issue. Minor misunderstandings become massive social catastrophes. Instant life ruiner!
3. Marry for money.
If you want to ensure long-term dissatisfaction and deep unhappiness, choose your life partner based on a single criterion: the number of zeroes at the end of their account balance.
Sure, you’ll be able to afford some fabulous caftans, but how long can a fabulous caftan stave off the existential despair of being married to someone you don’t actually love?
Like, five years, max.
4. Prioritize outer beauty above all else.
Another must for an unfulfilling life? Prizing physical beauty — and a laughably unrealistic definition of it, specifically — above all else.
Spend the vast majority of your time and money on treatments and habits meant to enhance your outer beauty. Focus on this so obsessively that you totally lose sight of the things that really matter.
5. Say one thing to someone’s face and a totally different thing behind their back.
Was it Mark Twain who said, “If you don’t lie, you don’t have to remember anything”?
Well, whoever said it was right, and watching the Real Housewives furiously backpedaling and trying to keep all their different bits of gossip straight is exactly why. Being two-faced is EXHAUSTING. You have to keep a spreadsheet of what you said to which person, and when.
Who has time for that? You do, if you want to live the Housewife Life. Open up Excel, send out a few salacious texts, and get started.
6. Only hang out with people who are exactly like you.
Part of the reason the Real Housewives are so entertaining is because they’re completely insulated in their bubble — they can say things like, “Don’t you hate it when your housekeeper moves your diamond collection a half centimeter to the right when she’s dusting your vintage Vuitton trunk collection?” and all their friends will be like, “OMG girl, yes, that is the MOST annoying” (instead of being like, “Dude, you know you sound kinda ridiculous right now, right?”).
Surrounding yourself with people who are exactly like you is the same as locking yourself up in an echo chamber: boring, repetitive, and creepy as hell.
7. Wear high heels all the time.
A foolproof way to make sure you don’t enjoy life? Wear high heels EVERY DAY.
Your feet will always hurt. You’ll be forced to toddle around very slowly and carefully, instead of skipping joyfully from place to place. You will have a sprained ankle at least twice a month.
But what's a sprained ankle when you look fabulous?