During my first pregnancy, I dreamed almost exclusively about having sex with Pitbull.
Pregnancy is weird AF.
I mean, I don’t have to tell you that, right?
I can’t stop burping, I have what’s called “excessive earwax production” (it’s exactly what it sounds like), and I can smell things from two rooms and multiple closed doors away.
Some of the symptoms are just plain annoying (the burping), while others are much more uncomfortable or inconvenient (the pervasive nausea, for example).
But perhaps the weirdest and most unexpected pregnancy symptom that I’ve ever experienced is the dreams.
During both of my pregnancies, I started really dreaming. Vivid, lucid dreams that I can recite in detail when I wake up. They are dreams that are more like movies, and I often feel like I am watching them happen — or actually experiencing them. It’s pretty cool, generally.
But it’s the sex dreams that have caught me completely off-guard.
I don’t generally have much of a sex drive during my pregnancy when I’m awake, but when I’m asleep, it’s a completely different story. I have these incredibly vivid, incredibly-detailed sex dreams almost every night. Often, they involve celebrities.
During my first pregnancy, I dreamed almost exclusively about having sex with Pitbull. These dreams occurred almost nightly.
Now, here’s the thing — I love Pitbull. I’m from southern Florida, where the radio stations were playing his music long before he broke into the mainstream. I grew up listening to him and I have a soft spot for the man with so much hometown pride.
But I don’t like Pitbull like that, if you know what I mean. Except, apparently, when I’m pregnant.
When I’m with child, Pitbull and I have lots and lots and lots of dream sex. It’s clearly pretty good, since I keep going back.
The most disconcerting celebrity to show up in a pregnancy sex dream was Miley Cyrus. For some reason, she had a completely cleanly-waxed vulva, which I remember making me feel weird in the dream.
Miley is not someone I am particularly drawn to in any way — she’s actually someone I find problematic more often than not — so having sex with her in my dream was pretty unexpected. I’m really hoping it doesn’t happen again.
Lately, I’ve been marathoning Top Chef on Hulu. I am currently on the ninth season of the show, so I suppose it isn’t surprising that contestants from the show are appearing in my dreams to get frisky with me. So far there has been an appearance by two contestants — both from season four and season eight’s All-Stars — Dale Talde and Spike Mendelsohn.
Now, Dale — mmm, yes. I was into him and his food during both his seasons and was pretty happy to be able to dream-bone him.
Spike, on the other hand… not a contestant or personality that I thought I was drawn to. I mean, I like him just fine on the show. I think he’s fun — I don’t hate him like some people do — but I don’t particularly love him, either.
But maybe I should reconsider because, well, dream sex with Spike? Mind-blowing. I was thinking about it for like a week afterwards. I’m hoping we get to do it again sometime.
I am not alone in having these sex dreams. When I mentioned them on Facebook, many of my friends chimed in to say, “OMG, me too!”
So, while pregnancy can often be hard, long, and miserable — and oh gosh do I hate being pregnant — there are also a few upsides to being knocked up.
My very favorite are the dreams that come when you’re growing a human inside your uterus. They’re beyond your, well, wildest dreams.
If you’re lucky enough to experience them too, enjoy — particularly if you’re too sick or uncomfortable to have sex when you’re awake!
Dream sex is kind of the best.