Kids

This labor, the work of being a female, has been our work so long that no one really knows what a truly equally yoked household looks like.

Suffering is America’s favorite thing to do. We starve ourselves to lose weight, and we’re a success story. We don’t sleep, and we’re just getting SO MUCH DONE. We do a thousand things a day and involve our kids in a thousand activities, because somehow, in some perverted way, that makes us successful.

As much as I love the idea of family, I actually like not being married, and I actually like not being a mother right now.

I don’t think I can say I learned anything from being hit, except for fear. I learned to be afraid of her.

But what can be said for the day upon which I am no longer enough? I dread that day.

I'm not saying that I've got this parenting thing nailed, but I am saying that I've done it five times which is worth something.

Based on my experience, I can tell you with confidence that there exists a list of perfectly reasonable ways to cope with that endless stream of bullshit that your kids are pumping out on the regular. None of this stuff is going to bring you the blessed satisfaction that comes with screaming out all your favorite swear words while you tear off your clothing in a fit of rage and flush yourself down the toilet, but until such a time arises, this list will at least provide some healthy alternatives to deep-diving through your city’s sewer system when you need relief most.

“I taught my 8 year old daughter how to use our remote to turn on Netflix Kids (only my 11-year-old knows how to use it), and left out cereal bars and bananas for breakfast.” Nancy J. Horn, New York mom of three.