A Week Of Parenting A Toddler — In 12 Facebook Statuses I Didn't Post

#toddlerlogic

No one tells you the relief you will feel when your child finally has the language skills to understand and accept a bribe.

Parenting a toddler is invigorating, exhausting, dirty, and intense.

But since I want my daughter to have cousins (or at least pseudo-cousins) one day, I can’t always share the truth about my tiny tyrant on social media, for fear that my friends and siblings would never reproduce. And because, sometimes, you just want to project the image that you're calm, cool, and collected. 

…Which is so untrue.

Here are 12 status updates that I didn't post this week:

1.

Baby just farted loudly, directly in front of me. “Was that you?” I asked. “No. Daddy do it,” she said, without breaking eye contact. #wasntme

2.

I swear the small child knows every time we get brave enough to talk about having another baby — and chooses that night not to sleep at all. #oneandonly

3.

Passed gas this morning. Baby looked right at me. “Mommy burp.” Then a pause. “No, mommy FART.” #vocabularylessons

4.

Eating dinner on the kitchen floor is totally legit if you call it a picnic, yes? #enrichment

5.

Two years in and still using those cloth diapers you said wouldn't last a month. #toldyouso

6.

If I repeat my wish 15-20 times in quick succession, while getting louder and louder, will that make it come true? #toddlerlogic

7.

Never mind pushing stones uphill — trying to keep a toddler's face clean is the real eternal punishment. #icant

8.

Remember when I used to think flying was inconvenient and wasn’t carrying one infant, one breast pump, three bottles, four changes of clothes, 15 diapers, and a puke stain — for a two-hour flight? Me neither. #shouldhavestayedhome

9.

No one tells you the relief you will feel when your child finally has the language skills to understand and accept a bribe. #cookiesdontcare

10.

If I compost the food my toddler throws on the floor, it isn’t completely wasted, right? #environmentallyfriendly

11.

All the bad breakups and unrequited crushes in my life did nothing to prepare me for the heartbreak of my toddler telling me she doesn’t want to cuddle before bed. #illbefine

12.

Why is it that as soon as that child drifts off the sleep and the house is quiet, I begin to think I should wake her up to continue the fun? #stockholmsyndrome 
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