WHY, OPRAH? Image: Alan Light
Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get so sassy right now. Oprah is practically second in line to advise God so I better use my inside voice before she smites me.
Oh my goodness — I hate that I’m about to write this because: OPRAH, and Weight Watchers, and OVER IT, but what. the. fuck?
I was sitting here putting some extra bling on my bra for my upcoming burlesque show when I heard THE VOICE.
Don’t make that face. You know what I’m talking about. Second to the voice of God, Oprah’s voice is the most recognizable on the planet. And when she talks, you listen.
You can’t help but listen, because shit hot damn — she might be giving you a new car, and you don’t want to miss that. So imagine my shock as I sat, mid-blingage, rhinestone on a wax stick, when I heard the voice ask me to make 2016 the year of having my “best body."
What you say, O?
Make 2016 the year of having my “best body”?
Girl, please. To use the actual phrasing from her 10%-ownership-obligatory commercial for Weight Watchers — I've been down that road, honeychild. But here’s the difference between me and O — I’m still on that road. I’ve been on that road since 2013 because I decided that I could actually LOVE my body, as it was, because it carried me through my day. It was (and still is) my best body. O says to make it the year of having the best body — but by whose standards? Who says what the “best body” is? Glamour? Cosmo? Maxim? Siri? Who, Oprah? WHO?
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m all for changing habits for your health, if that’s what you feel you want to do/need to do. But because we’re all thinking, breathing, non-idiotic human beings, we know that body size/shape, numbers on the scale, and health are not mutually exclusive.
Fitting into last summer’s skinny jeans does not shield you from a heart attack, just like tipping the scales at 205 pounds does not mean you can’t climb 17 flights of stairs in under five minutes or cycle 12 miles in under an hour or still look fly as hell in a size-16 wedding gown — ALL OF WHICH I DID IN MY BEST BODY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MISS O.
Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get so sassy right now. Oprah is practically second in line to advise God. I better use my inside voice before she smites me.
But on the real, telling millions of women — who look to Oprah as their Oracle for daily living — that up until this point they've not had their best body? That's irresponsible. She is asking us to basically judge ourselves by the standards of a society who damn near has a pre-teen orgasm every time some new body trend pops up on the morning infotainment shows.
Thigh gap? Oh my God I need that!
Waist cinching? Yes! Oh my God yes! Give it to me!
Kylie Jenner’s Coke-bottle lips? Oh! Oh! Oh! Yesssss!
Nothing is ever good enough, small enough, big enough, enough enough. She is asking women to make this year the year they have their best bodies when the standard of what’s considered “best” changes every other week. It’s irresponsible, unfair, and just plain gross. But I get it, she has a 10% stake in this, so she has to make sure she makes her money back.
But Oprah, do you have to make your 10% back at the cost of 100% of women’s self-esteem?