10 NRA-Approved Reasons For Crying

Man tears #faketears

3. Finding out one of the main characters in the new “Star Wars” movie is a woman.

Last Tuesday, President Obama laid out his plan for a much-needed-but-not-particularly-dramatic set of executive actions that will expand gun background check laws. While discussing the hundreds of thousands of lives needlessly lost to gun violence, specifically the kids who were murdered at Sandy Hook Elementary School, the President teared up. You know, AS ONE DOES when thinking about the horror of 6-year-olds being brutally murdered en masse.

Believe it or not, the NRA didn’t much care for this show of emotion. Immediately, gun nuts and conservative pundits were accusing Obama of manufacturing #faketears, even going so far as to accuse him of secretly carrying on onion on stage with him. Yes. Seriously.

Now, it may seem like the NRA is comprised of emotionally stunted gun fetishists with a shriveled up copy of the second amendment where their hearts should be, but that’s simply not true. They totally cry about stuff! Not mass shootings of children, but other stuff. Just to be clear, here are 10 things worth crying #REALTEARS, according to the NRA.

1. Chopping onions (with a bayonet).

2. The scene in “Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior” when the dog dies.

3. Finding out one of the main characters in the new “Star Wars” movie is a woman.

4. Getting cyber-bullied on Facebook because you killed Cecil the Lion.

5. Trying to use your 2-for-1 coupon at Dick’s Sporting Goods and finding out it applies to athletic socks but not semi-automatic rifles.

6. Discovering that the Dixie Chicks are touring again, and -- GULP -- their shows are selling out.

7. Finding out your crush voted for Obama.

8.  Being forced to choose your favorite founding father without adequate time to prepare and explain your answer.

9. Seeing a bald eagle soar across the majestic trail of a fighter jet while the national anthem plays before a football game.

10. Getting kicked really hard in the balls.

 

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