We’ve eaten several hundred pounds of mac and cheese and thousands of nugget shaped foods.
Diaper cover: At first our parents think those sweet diaper covers with the ruching — the ones that come with matching poplin dresses — are so dear. They’re going to dress their little babes up so well; no one will even think about what’s under those diapers.
Diaper: Parents get real, shove an oversized t-shirt over our head, leave the white Huggies to the breeze and call it black tie.
Tights that sag/cable knit: Toddlers know the original dread that comes with a sagging crotch while wearing tights. The cable knit pattern twists up our legs and the lines for the toes end up at our heels. Eventually, miles of extra material spread out from our toes like clown shoes. The crotch is at our knees and we little tykes can’t walk, or run, which they prefer. Hey, maybe this was part of the plan! Smart parents.
Bike shorts: So we can go low in bar mitzvah limbo: No one wants to see our underwear, we’re sure. Although we might let Max Goldstein have a peek behind the garage... Bike shorts are the ultimate in comfort, and only occasionally end up longer than the dress itself. (See: neon bike short with tunic craze of 1988.)
Tights with patterns: We are teenagers now. We like to express ourselves. Plaid tights? Florals? Argyle? Hell, even paisley.
Nothing: We are twenty-three. We are adults and running around in the real world. We are lithe. We are sexy. We are single.
Tights with control top: We may have gone a little overboard. A few too many beers. Several too many pizza deliveries. We are approaching thirty. With just a little help, we can look super-hot at the weddings we have nearly every weekend.
Spanx: We’ve had kids.
Full body armor: Our kids are getting older. We’ve eaten several hundred pounds of mac and cheese and thousands of nugget shaped foods. But now, the kids are out of the house, and we’ve thought about getting a gym membership. With a little effort, we can still look sexy as hell. Our husbands say so, anyway. And with their waning eyesight but dignified wisdom, who are we to second guess them?
Nude stockings from an egg shell: We just need something to go with our skirt suit for little Lyle’s wedding. We can’t believe he is getting married. Our sweet grandson. We’ve made the trip from Boca, but we forgot the stockings. Fortunately, there’s a drugstore right next to the hotel. A lovely salesman named Warren helped us find the right size. "Do you want beige, tan, nude, or ecru?" We like to live wildly; we chose all four. Turns out, we were sexy the whole time.