Rebekah Kuschmider

One escort interviewed said she was changing $620 PER HOUR for the “girlfriend experience,” which includes taking her to films and walking the red carpet at events. She has a strict 4- and 5-star hotel policy. No yacht parties though, for safety reasons.

I got a puppy last fall, and I’ve spent about a zillion dollars on different things for her to chew. She really likes bully sticks, which are dehydrated bull penises. It cracks me up every time I give one to her and say, “Here. Go eat a dick.”

Caitlyn Jenner is returning to the airwaves (cable-waves? Digital streaming waves?) this weekend with the second season of a reality show documenting her life after coming out as transgender. The promos show clips filled with drama, laughter, and many, many outfits. Soooooo many outfits.

With four and a half days left before this election ends once and for all, I am probably not alone in my obsession with polls. And I’m probably not the first to admit that this is not a healthy way to be living.

This weekend, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton decided to get off the stump and go for a nice walk with several thousand of her best friends. Specifically, LGBTQ friends. More specifically, she hit the streets of NYC to join in the annual Pride parade. She is the first presidential candidate to ever do this.

If you ever wanted proof that the moral arc of the universe always lands in the right place, we have only to consider the fate of internet shock-jo

So, I’m scrolling through my news feed this morning, looking for something to brighten my day, and I see a headline that catches my eye. Seems 21 Jump Steet co-stars Channing Tatum and Jillian Bell are slated to star in a remake of Splash, the 1984 movie where Daryl Hannah played a mermaid seeking love on land. “Oh wow,” I thought to myself. “How cool would it be if Channing Tatum were the mer-person in this movie?”

Hopeful readers, may I present to you, the three-time mayor of Cormorant, Minnesota: DUKE!

Apparently, the trend of very sheer tops that allow the nipple to make its presence known is the inspiration for this new twist on cosmetic surgery. Celebs have been photographed with nips in evidence, and people are bringing the photos to doctors' offices to say: “Give me these nipples, pretty please.”

I am not sure the human race is really good enough to deserve dogs.