Rent The Runway Made Me A Well-Dressed (But Still Very Terrible) Person

Her closet is excessively huge, and her dog seems kind of judgy. If she likes this dress, then I cannot.

Her closet is excessively huge, and her dog seems kind of judgy. If she likes this dress, then I cannot.

Rarely do I have a compelling enough reason to shave my legs and get gussied up. And, never do I feel like dropping a fortune on a dress I’ll wear once

So enters Rent the Runway, a site/app that allows you to borrow fashionable, high-end outfits for a few days and not have to pay full price for them, or be stuck with them hanging in your closet forever. You simply shop the site for your preferred garment and order it in two size options. It’s then shipped to your front porch on the designated date, and you wear the better fitting one to your event. When you’re done, you wad ‘em up and mail ‘em back! So easy!

The best part is, when you're making the selection of which dress or fashion jumpsuit you want to rent, there are reviews from real women like you and their accompanying selfies/photos of them in the dress. You get to see what the dress you're considering looks like worn by someone with a similar shape as yours. Cool, right? What a generous thing for these ordinary women to do, sharing their experiences with others!  Thank you, average women! 

Yes, gratitude should be the normal human response here, but if you’re like me, and I sincerely hope you are not, instead of feeling pleased for these women and their success in finding the perfect outfit, you are snarky and suspicious. 

This is what you think as you peruse their photos:

1. The person in this pic seems like a real asshole. 

Her closet is excessively huge, and her dog seems kind of judgy. If she likes this dress, then I cannot. 

2. Where do you put your armpit fat in this dress? 

Why is no one talking about the armpit fat?!

3. I wish they would stop focusing on how shimmery the dress is and tell me whether I can wear a real bra in it. 

That's all I ever want to know, really. What is the underwear situation? Also how many Spanx were worn? Oh, and how many pieces of wedding cake were eaten comfortably, without taxing the zipper? Give us a cake scale, please. (Fine, cupcake scale if you must)

4. Her breasts look really wonky in that. 

Is it the dress or just her breasts? Can I message her to ask her that question?

5. Why are all the people who have worn the dress that I like over the age of 60? 

Have I become Liza Minnelli? Have I become MY MOM?

6. These people live way more glamorous lives than I do.

This pic is taken on the edge of a cliff, by a waterfall, next to a helicopter. And a dinosaur. What the hell kind of function was this?

7. No, seriously, please share what function they were attending. 

Then I get to criticize them for poor life choices self-righteously. She looks 40 but says she’s going to prom. Is she actually in her 30s, but playing a 16-year-old in a teen romantic comedy? Is this a prematurely pickled Lohan situation? I’m pleased either way. And, that one! Did she rent a dress for $700 for a date night? Can she Netflix and chill inside her helicopter? 

8. I'm ordering a size 10, with a backup size 12, but if this app were really sophisticated, it would secretly stalk my recent photos and surmise that I'm actually more of a 12/14, and just send me what I need

Discretely. No need to talk about it. I'd pay extra for that feature. Like, “Click on the wink emoji, and we’ll take care of the rest.” 

9. For those who photoshop a smiley face or a scribble over the faces of the other people in the picture, is it because they murdered them after the event? 

If that’s the case, it would be nice to know how much arm movement the dress allowed and how easily the material was washed clean of evidence. 

10. For the most part, the people posting pics of themselves are in rental dresses that they loved. 

Surely, some people must try on the dresses that come and be like, “DEAR JESUS, I LOOK LIKE A SPARKLY WATER BUFFALO” and have to either go buy an haute dress and try to hide the tags all night so it can be returned, or run past Target for a $35 Mossimo dress on their way to their fancy event. No one seems to be posting those pics.

11. Ugh. I have to stop. 

Don’t I have better things to do with my brain and time than decorating my body and comparing it to other people's? The truth is, most people in these pics seem lovely, and are just excited that they got the convenience of paying less for a great dress that made them feel pretty. That’s nice. It really is. 

Good. I think I’m maturing here. It’s not about what you wear, anyway, it’s all composure and confidence, isn’t it? That’s what’s truly beautiful.

Oh, hold up. This dress is really shimmery. I think it’ll be perfect in size eight, wink. If I show up in this to my high school reunion, everyone will stare! Kelli Van Waterling can suck it. 

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