Photo by Tanaphong Toochinda on Unsplash
I’ll give it to them, some things really are worth freaking out over.
Climate change. The hot mess of a president currently running this country. 401Ks/IRAs/other retirement accounts I don’t understand. Scary shit happening in Syria. Scary shit happening in Korea. People literally starving.
Did I mention the hot mess president?
The trouble is they aren’t freaking out about ANY of that. No, they are freaking out about the fact that one of them has a taller glass at breakfast. And no, it does not matter if I measure milk down to the tenth of a gram and make certain they have the literal EXACT amount — the bigger glass has more milk; therefore I love one of them more, and the other one is moving out.
I am so tired.
Other things they are freaking out about:
I swear (no, I LITERALLY swear). Buy ONE pair of velcro shoes, and suddenly EVERY SHOE must be velcro. It does not matter that velcro went out of fashion in 1987. It does not matter that these little dictators don’t even tie their own shoes.
Yes, your highness, I would be honored to grasp your filthy shoelace whilst you sit upon the sofa and scream “WHY DIDN’T YOU BUY MORE VELCRO SHOES?”
Yes, your highness, I am a bad mommy. Please forgive me my most heinous transgression of buying you improper shoes SEVERAL TIMES A YEAR WHILE I WEAR 10-YEAR-OLD BIRKENSTOCKS.
2. What TV Show They Are Going To Watch
Okay, FIRST OF ALL, I had a black-and-white TV that had an actual DIAL ON IT. That you turned. With your HANDS. My mother used to make me sit in front of the TV like a human remote, flipping through the whole five channels we had (one of which was almost always The 700 Club, the other of which was unsubtitled Spanish).
Not only do you have a tiny box that does this for you from the sofa, you have 170 channels to choose from, PLUS Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, AND THE ENTIRETY OF THE GODDANG INTERNET but god forbid you have to select ONE SHOW.
3. The LITERAL THREE SECONDS It Takes For The iPhone They Didn’t Even Pay For To Load a Magical Video That Someone They Don't Even Know Made
I didn’t even have an ATARI, YOU IMPATIENT LITTLE TYRANTS. But god forbid your YouTube video of some weirdo adult lady narrating a Barbie’s trip to Target take more than a nanosecond to load fully (including buffering). That shit has to go to like outer space and BACK to deliver to your grubby little unemployed hands.
Can you just give it a break already? IT'S GOING TO OUTER SPACE.
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4. The Shape Of Their Sandwich
Rectangle? Four equilateral 47-degree triangles? A crimped-edge circle?
You can never be sure which shape is the right shape. You can be sure that whichever you choose, you will be wrong.
5. Unmelted Butter
If you had told me 25 years ago that I’d be frantically spreading pre-softened (but not melted, my GOD what is wrong with you) butter on fresh-from-the-toaster-scalding-my-fingers-but-they-don’t-give-a-rip-about-me toast, I’d have called you a dirty damn liar.
Alas, here we are.
6. The Afterlife
Okay, this is one of those fair ones because let’s be real, death is flipping terrifying if you’re five. But HI, IT IS ALSO TERRIFYING IF YOU ARE 43. And also, NO I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENS. I am making this shit up as I go.
Reincarnation? Why not? You want to come back as a dog? GREAT. You want to come back as yourself all over again. ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY.
Heaven? Sure. Streets paved with gold, angel wings, everlasting life. Whatever makes you sleep.
The truth is you probably just rot underground forever until the planet implodes in a fiery ball of gas.
7. The Milk That You Wanted To Dip Your Waffles In But That I Forgot To Give You Until You Had Eaten ALL YOUR Waffles
I wish I could say I made this up, but no, it happened. Wafflegate 2018 ended in full-blown hysteria for a period of no less than 20 minutes last week.
Because how dare I not give my six-year-old a glass of milk to dip his waffles in (which is also fuckin weird, I might add) while he DEVOURED them. Forget that he didn’t even remember the milk until the waffles were completely gone and he’d literally licked the syrup off his plate. No, I didn’t deliver him a (measured down to the gram) glass of milk with (NOT BEFORE) the waffles.
This is not an exhaustive list, but I am an exhausted mother. Can't wait to see what they freak out about today.