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If you have not yet read Zola’s Twitter masterpiece, stop whatever it is you are doing right now. Get yourself a chilled glass of wine, a PSL, or whatever your preferred beverage may be, settle in with your laptop or phone, and get ready to be fully captivated. This story has it all: tension, plot twists, a diverse cast worthy of a Shonda Rhimes series, and even an epilogue!
Because the Internet is what it is, Twitter wasted no time in casting famous actors as the characters in Zola’s epic, insane social media yarn...and I thought I’d try my hand at it, too. Below is my dream cast for this Academy Award-worthy screenplay adaptation. You can call me anytime, Hollywood.
Megan Good as Zola
Megan is no stranger to playing characters with turmoil. She did a riveting job in the straight to television movie Video Girl (which should have been added to your Netflix queue like...yesterday) and shined as a leading scream queen in Saw 5.
Scarlett Johansson as Jess
ScarJo hasn’t really played too many gritty roles, so this would be something pretty unique from her typical projects. Anyone who says they don’t want to see Scarlett in a leopard crop top, frayed jean shorts, and chunky brown lowlights is clearly someone that you should eliminate from your life.
James Franco as Jarrett
Is there anything James Franco isn’t capable of doing? The actor is fully capable of performing as the emotionally defeated Jarrett, as his range is surprisingly wide. Franco is a chameleon and would probably be praised by critics for his superb cinematic timing and ability to captivate audiences.
R. Marcos Taylor as Z
R. Marcos Taylor is probably best known for his terrifying portrayal of Suge Knight in Straight Outta Compton. He typically does acting for television, but I’m pretty confident he would be keen in joining the cast. Plus, he looks like he would have no problem hoisting Jarrett up as he dangles from the balcony.
Rihanna as The Fiancee
If there’s one thing the "Bitch Better Have My Money" video taught me, it’s that Rihanna is a no-shits-giving badass of a woman. I can envision her in a cream jumpsuit vigorously spewing out the line “U want to bae or not?” while holding a handgun that is cocked to the side...you know, a little gangster-chic.
With the way this the Twitter-vella took hold of the Internet, it's only a matter of time before aspiring actresses will be reciting passages from it during auditions and we see an overpriced line of merchandise cluttered with quotes from it at Hot Topic. At the very least, I think we would all be keen on a one-woman show done by Zola herself, or perhaps she can step away from her medium of choice (Twitter) and migrate over to YouTube for a retelling.
Either way, this author will settle for an HBO adaptation with a Summer 2016 release date. You're welcome, world.